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Schrijfoefening engels


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#1

cedricm

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Geplaatst op 09 oktober 2011 - 08:13

Hallo,
Zou er iemand mijn schrijfoefening van Engels willen verbeteren. Er zitten waarschijnlijk veel fouten in want Engels is helemaal mijn beste vak niet.
Alvast bedankt!

Jacky lives in Manchester. She is terrified of birds and has a lot of consequences in her daily life. His daughter want go to a park but her mother is very feared of birds. Just seeing a bird can send her into a state of hysteria. It’s very a pity for Anglina. Happily she can walk in the nature with her grandmother. When Jackie goes in the garden, she looks many minutes round her if she see a bird. In the kitchen, Jacky can not look in the window when there is a bird in the garden. The holiday was (slecht afgelopen), Jacky was with her daughter in Tenerife. One bird was landing for her, she was so crying. The rest of her holiday, she was in the hotel and came not outdoors. When she sees a feather her hart goes faster and faster. The reason of the phobia is a dramatic experience. Jacky was visit her grandmother and there was a bird trapped in the room. She was terrified and was run round the house. Suddenly, she thought that it was not normal that she was petrified of birds. It’s enough for her. She goes to a doctor and therapist. The first therapy of Jacky is hypnoses. The therapist does a regression to the childhood and she says that Jackie not to must afraid of birds. When the hypnotherapy is finished, they go in the garden but Jackie is still afraid. She sees always the eye of a bird and then is she in panic. The second therapy is behaviour therapy. The professor believes that Jacky get lost his phobia after one session. First, he puts the feather far of Jacky on a table. Jacky begins to tremble and to sob. After a few minutes, she is no more afraid of that small feather. She wants to the next step but now it is a big feather. Twenty minutes later, the prof takes again the feather but now closer. Jacky shakes with the office chair and she cowers. It was a big change for her. The therapy is a half hour busy. The fear of birds is over. Jacky can hold the feather, she caress with the feather over her skin. The session was very painful for Jacky but after one hour she can walk with Anglina in the garden. This was the dream for her. She had it never thought. Jacky was the professor grateful.

Veranderd door Drieske, 09 oktober 2011 - 11:03


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#2

Raspoetin

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Geplaatst op 09 oktober 2011 - 10:00

Jacky lives in Manchester. She is terrified of birds and that has a lot of consequences in for her daily life. His Her daughter Angelina wants to go to a park but her mother is very feared scared of birds. Just seeing a bird can send her into a state of hysteria. It’s very a pity for Anglina, which is a pity for Angelina. HappilyFortunately, she can walk in the nature with her grandmother. When Jackie goes for a walk in the garden, she looks many minutes around her if she sees a bird. Alternatief: she looks many minutes around her to see if there are birds around. In the kitchen, Jacky can not (can't) look in out the window when there is a bird in the garden. The holiday was (slecht afgelopen) ended badly / ended dramatically. Jacky was went with her daughter in to Tenerife. One bird was landing for landed on her, (so) she was so crying. The rest of her holiday, she was in the hotel and came not outdoors. She stayed in the hotel and did not came outdoors during the rest of her holiday. When she sees a feather her hart goes faster and faster. The reason of the phobia is a dramatic experience. Years ago,(?) Jacky was visiting her grandmother and there was a bird trapped in the room. She was terrified and was run ran around the house. Suddenly, she thought that it was not normal that she was petrified terrified of birds.

En nu ga je ineens over op tegenwoordige tijd.....

It’sThat was enough for her. She goes went to a doctor (je hebt het verder in je verhaal niet meer over die dokter) and a therapist. The first therapy of Jacky is was hypnoses hypnosis. The therapist does did a regression to the her childhood and she says that Jackie not to must must not be / should not be afraid of birds. When the hypnotherapy is was finished, they go went into the garden but Jackie is was still afraid. She sees always the eye of a bird and then is she in panic. She still panicked everytime she saw the eye of a bird. The second therapy is was behaviour therapy. The professor believesd that Jacky get lost his would get rid of her phobia after one session. First, he puts the laid a feather far of Jacky on a table on a table, far away from Jacky. Jacky begins immediately began to tremble and to sob. After a few minutes, she is was not more afraid anymore of that small feather. She wantsed to go to the next step but now it is that was a big feather. Twenty minutes later, the professor takes again took the feather again but held now it now closer to Jacky. Jacky shakes shook with the office chair and she cowersed. It was a big change (victory is misschien beter) for her. The therapy is a half hour busy. The fear of birds is over. After just half an hour of therapy, Jacky's fear of birds was over. Jacky can could hold the feather, and she caress with the feather over her skin.

En nu schrijf je weer alles in verleden tijd....probeer daar op te letten

The session was very painful for Jacky but after one hour of therapy (hierboven zei je een half uur) she can could walk with Anglina in the garden in the garden with Angelina (klinkt net iets beter) . This was the dream for her (Of: This was her dream). She had it never thought. She never thought this would happen. Jacky was the professor grateful.

Als Angelina de dochter is, zou ik dat duidelijk maken in een van je eerste zinnen (zie paarse tekst)
De eerste therapie wordt door een vrouw gegeven, en de tweede door een man? Dat is raar want je schrijft dat ze "went to a doctor and a therapist". Dus één dokter (die ik niet in je verhaal terugziet), en één therapeut. Dat kan dan niet zowel een man als een vrouw zijn.
Ook noem je de therapeut een professor? Waarom niet gewoon therapist?

Enne het wordt nu een beetje onoverzichtelijk met al die kleuren. Er zullen nog wel wat foutjes in staan.
I'm not suffering from insanity - I'm enjoying every minute of it!!

#3

Rhiannon

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Geplaatst op 09 oktober 2011 - 11:02

Dit is huiswerk en wordt daarom verplaatst naar het huiswerkforum.
Hoe minder kennis, des te onwrikbaarder het oordeel.

#4

cedricm

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Geplaatst op 09 oktober 2011 - 15:35

En nu ga je ineens over op tegenwoordige tijd.....
En nu schrijf je weer alles in verleden tijd....probeer daar op te letten
Als Angelina de dochter is, zou ik dat duidelijk maken in een van je eerste zinnen (zie paarse tekst)
De eerste therapie wordt door een vrouw gegeven, en de tweede door een man? Dat is raar want je schrijft dat ze "went to a doctor and a therapist". Dus één dokter (die ik niet in je verhaal terugziet), en één therapeut. Dat kan dan niet zowel een man als een vrouw zijn.
Ook noem je de therapeut een professor? Waarom niet gewoon therapist?

Enne het wordt nu een beetje onoverzichtelijk met al die kleuren. Er zullen nog wel wat foutjes in staan.


Heel erg bedankt voor je hulp!!
Je ziet dat mijn Engels helemaal niet goed is

#5

Raspoetin

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Geplaatst op 09 oktober 2011 - 15:42

Heel erg bedankt voor je hulp!!
Je ziet dat mijn Engels helemaal niet goed is

Geen dank, en oefening baart kunst, nietwaar?
I'm not suffering from insanity - I'm enjoying every minute of it!!





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